2010/10.02

It's amazing how one decision can spiral into a complete and utter cluster-fuck. For some time I've had a large wall up around myself. Right after my birthday last year, I stupidly got involved with someone who I believed was truly interested in me as a whole based on our interactions with one another ("The devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape;") when in fact all they were interested in was bedding me while they had the chance. (I call that a trophy fuck.) Just as I was coming to terms with being used like a human Real Doll, a revelation came to light that turned me inside out and upside down (to put it mildly.) A combination of "well, now that crazy makes sense, "and "are you fucking kidding? why me!?" The stages of grief didn't quite go in order, but I felt them all; starting with denial.

Many moons later, I finally accepted it, but I didn't feel like I could talk about it. On the one hand, I was ashamed, and on the other, talking about the first part of the mess resulted in many treating me like I was wrong for doing so. Those who are the most frightened of truth usually have the most damaging secrets (and probably shouldn't tell them to someone they decide to stab in the back.)

It's taken quite some time for me to come to terms with everything that happened; to stop caring what anyone thought of my feelings on the situation; to stop being so angry at not only the asshats who treated me the way that they did, but also at myself for allowing it to happen. "How could I be so stupid." Karma will take care of all, in time.

If anything good can be said to have come of the chaos, then I've learned quite bit about just how resilient I can be; and that just because I screwed up the way that I did, it doesn't mean I'm just like my mother. I've learned who I can and can't count on. I have some (more) enemies now, but that's fine; because they most certainly don't deserve to be called "friend."

Yes, I'm well aware of how stubborn and intense I am; but that's part of me. I like who I am despite everything that is wrong with me, and am thankful there are true, good people who do accept me - abby-normal freaky-dink faults and all. (& I love y'all for it.)

"This is who I am, you can like it or not. You can love me or leave me, 'cause I'm never gonna stop, no, no." (Madonna - "Like it or Not" )